The story begins with me knowing I had a very defined sense of self.
At a young age, I knew I was a thinker.
I knew who I was and I knew who I was going to be.
Everything in between would be the road that led to that place.
I knew I was born to be whoever I was set out to be, so I did.
That wasn’t always easy, I didn’t play games like other children.
I was not into doing something for fun that didn’t mean much to me really.
Most things I did was things that made happy not things for fun.
You can say I wasn’t a very childlike child.
When I was about 6-12 years old.
At an early age, I had a sense of reality that it takes effort and work to accomplish something.
However, I was so focused on it I forgot to have fun at things.
It had created quite the handicap in life by being overly driven.
I’m a hard worker and I do a lot to make things happen that may make me happy.
So that’s me when I was young I was pretty much up in my head.
When I got older, I was so overdeveloped that I saw and knew things better than other did.
I got disconnected even more from the other children and because of that,
I never made a social connection with them or have friends that understood me.
You can see how that handicap grew on me until I created myself a transplant.
I learn from a very special girl how much it’s worth to have someone in your life. Someone that fits you.
Believe me, I had relationships that mostly didn’t work for me, but I’ve always known good once.
In those times I felt lonely I really hit the gutter.
Probably because there was too little joys in my life to remain balanced.
I became unstable after I had nobody to share my joys with but myself.
I got hooked and addicted to all kinds of stuff.
I had lost the will to live. It had gotten replaced with lusts.
The lust to restore my happiness.
When I was 12 to 22 the story got worse, the worst years of my life happened. 10 horrible years!
All the drive I had as a thinker disappeared slowly but steadily.
The joy of being able to do things myself got washed with feelings of depression.
I failed grades and because of that I stopped trying,
I got sucked into bad friendships and a hard reality of poverty.
This made me became very unfortunate in the long run.
I know it’s because I and other people disconnected when I was younger.
When the majority goes one way and you the other you’re left on your own.
I never thought of myself as a loner. But others saw me as an easy target to pick on,
(I made them know I wasn’t when I had courage) because I wasn’t surrounded by ‘friends’.
I started to really get mixed feelings about values like ‘friendship’ and how people pretend to be friends.
In my earlier years, I had hard and dark years which washed away the joys.
It made room for sufferable, almost tormented feelings and pain.
So when I hit 22 I started to pick up the paste again.
I said enough, I got my mind straight and strong again.
If felt like I let myself down with the thoughts I generated as a thinker.
I became a monster, a die hard learning machine and I started saying no to manipulative and bad people.
I started saying no to myself and my bad habits and I started saying yes to life.
Basically, I realized why I didn’t play childish games when I was younger.
I already had my mind set on doing what right not what’s fun.
My addictive habits faded away day by day and I got a good grasp of what I wanted in life.
That wasn’t enough for me. I had been hardened by those awful years.
I decided to do something back for the people who really need it.
I created many identities to protected people in times I needed it. I just wasn’t like that.
I didn’t adjust myself to bad things and I didn’t change me as a person for it.
Those identities kept me safe and in that way,
I could protect myself and help other by saying NO and enough!
All those identities failed to give me what I think I needed.
I have put those projects on a hold because they didn’t help.
They made it worse because I know there is no help for me.
We came to 26 to 30, the last years of my struggles.
My latest identity Seth Carnett is actually the person who I was, am and will be.
I succeed in my opinion. I succeed at my identity. I hope to convince you of that.
I decided to toss the weights of my other identity off of my shoulders,
I decided it was better to start off fresh.
The world will still treat the idea they have about you like crap or not.
But the image they have about you is actually their alter-ego, their reflection, not yours.
Don’t worry my other me I’m at home.
I can’t always come out because I’m pretty happy back home.
You are healing just fine!
So that one day I will ask you what are you going to do now after all those years.
You will tell me, why am I in doubt when I know you are with me.
That’s why my story will be my connection with you, people who need it the most.
A pat on the back or an arm around the shoulder or perhaps just a roof to sleep under.
I’ve never really known why I couldn’t connect with you but now you can connect with me.
In 5 years from now, I want your story to say, you’re a beloved father, husband & friend!